Monday, September 27, 2010
Where am I
Simplicity...yeah, I need some. Anyone know where I can find it?
I haven't blogged since April and was actually entertaining the thought of closing my account. I really, really am not that interesting and I'm always beating myself up because I can't keep up the charade of being interesting.
I know, I know, just be myself...well that's kind of the problem. I've run out of "self" lately. I'm not coping well with motherhood, wifeing, friendship, serving, and everything else I throw myself into. When you spread out so thin, it's hard to be good at anything. So why do I do it???? Why does any woman do it???? That is the million dollar question isn't it?
I think it's a constantly changing reason to be honest with you. Sometimes I think we want to feel significant , perhaps other times just trying to live up to certain expectations we put on ourselves.
I know right now, this very moment the reason behind me having no "self" is that I feel like doing and being all I can possibly be will bring me joy and contentment. Hmmm...let me just say, it's not working out like I though it would! I really, really don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like if I try to stop juggling everything...all my spinning saucers will come crashing down and I'll have a major mess to clean up. I really don't want to clean anything right now.
I kind of just want to walk away, ya know? Like some sort of individual vacation...does that make me a selfish wife/mother/friend/Christ follower? I'm sorry if it does, I don't want to feel this way...but it's just not going away...these restless, tiresome feelings. Feelings of craziness, inadequacy, bewilderment...
I suppose I know in my heart that this too, shall pass...I just don't want to endure it any longer . I just want to go on, living life...simply living life.