Monday, September 27, 2010

Where am I


Simplicity...yeah, I need some. Anyone know where I can find it?

I haven't blogged since April and was actually entertaining the thought of closing my account. I really, really am not that interesting and I'm always beating myself up because I can't keep up the charade of being interesting.

I know, I know, just be myself...well that's kind of the problem. I've run out of "self" lately. I'm not coping well with motherhood, wifeing, friendship, serving, and everything else I throw myself into. When you spread out so thin, it's hard to be good at anything. So why do I do it???? Why does any woman do it???? That is the million dollar question isn't it?

I think it's a constantly changing reason to be honest with you. Sometimes I think we want to feel significant , perhaps other times just trying to live up to certain expectations we put on ourselves.

I know right now, this very moment the reason behind me having no "self" is that I feel like doing and being all I can possibly be will bring me joy and contentment. Hmmm...let me just say, it's not working out like I though it would! I really, really don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like if I try to stop juggling everything...all my spinning saucers will come crashing down and I'll have a major mess to clean up. I really don't want to clean anything right now.

I kind of just want to walk away, ya know? Like some sort of individual vacation...does that make me a selfish wife/mother/friend/Christ follower? I'm sorry if it does, I don't want to feel this way...but it's just not going away...these restless, tiresome feelings. Feelings of craziness, inadequacy, bewilderment...

I suppose I know in my heart that this too, shall pass...I just don't want to endure it any longer . I just want to go on, living life...simply living life.

3 comments:

WSU Laura said...

So honest and well put. Good luck in your quest.

Miss Charity said...

Thanks Laura...miss ya girl! Lets get together...even if it means one of my "spinning saucers" crash to the ground, LOL

Amber Rose said...

Good stinking post lady..I hope to see more from ya!