Monday, November 5, 2012

Old Cow

Yes...I titled this old cow...

Yesterday my 15year old shared with me that his new friend told him "Dude, your mom looks WAY older than your dad!"

Well...I my look OLDER than my husband, but I DEFINITELY don't have to be a cow too...

Can you say MOTIVATION???  I think I found some,


Saturday, November 3, 2012


Life has settled for the moment.  My boy is still muddling through life, good days, bad days.  We are still at times screaming to the heavens, "God...please, oh please watch over this kid!"  And...he is, I know in my heart, God is working in his life.  Just like me, I know my boy just thinks, LIFE IS LAME!!!

Right now, I'm saying it over & over...this is LAME!!!  Yes...I'm having a temper'll just have to endure or move along to a more pleasant, cheerful blog that's sharing a Thanksgiving Day crafty tutorial or a collage of beautiful family photographs.

I'm feeling used & abused.  My husband is OBSESSED with football; watching football, (ok, I know this sounds super petty, BUT it's hurting me) coaching football, eating football, sleeping football!  I swear to you I could walk across the living room buck naked and his eyes wouldn't move from the TV!!!  He coaches football, my son plays football, the TV never changes from football, he attends every football game he can possibly make it to, and someone (ME!) is feeling a little bit non-existent!  I can't take it any longer...I wan't to SCREAM at the top of my  lungs..."You are going to be SORRY one of these days, you will REGRET not spending more time with me, I will be gone and all you will have is your STUPID SPORTS!!!!!!!!!!"

I MISS WA, I MISS my friends,  I MISS my little town, I MISS my beautiful home, I MISS feeling 'at home', I MISS my church, I MISS the rain, I MISS the seasons, and I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!

I wish I had a friend here...where are you?  How come I haven't met you yet?  I really need to meet you soon, it's lonely being me

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Error, Error, Error

Writing is not my strong point; beautiful, commanding, inspiring words don't come easy to me.  This post (reader beware) is going to be erratic, possibly confusing, questioning, maybe a little deep...but please, bare with me please.

Today my heart was broken into tiny little fragments.  I'm aching, shivering, sick, full of fear & doubt, questioning everything, searching, asking myself & God, over and over again...where did we go wrong?  Why are we here?  Where do we go now?  I need answers, I want precise direction, I can't move forward without it.

My sweet, handsome, charismatic, intelligent, athletic, caring, loving, inspiring, son decided to travel a very dangerous path.  He decided to choose popularity & vanity over wisdom & integrity.  He chose the sinful delights this world offers up to us on silver platters and within seconds has shattered our very core.  He has lost all cell privileges, his internet privileges, as well as any & all athletic activities.  Without spilling my guts, and spewing my son's collapse all over the blogosphere...I can say that this evening my husband and I have to drive to a young man's home, people that we don't know, and share what we have discovered with these parents.  It involves their son (as well as ours) and I have NO IDEA what the outcome will be...

My dead fingers are pounding out this heart-wrenching story; it is one of many: parents, struggling to deal with children who choose to go their own difficult way.  We (parents) are living in guilt, fear, anger, sadness and desperation.  The desperation is overwhelming.  Right now, in this moment...I feel I could do ANYTHING to save my son!  If only I knew...if only I knew...

In my minds eye, I see his face, his beautiful face, with a continuous blinking error message!  WHAT???  What is the problem???  How can we fix it???  Where do we start???  Who do we call???  We thought we took care and did everything right...we love him, we pray, we follow all the directions we have, we set example, we talk to him, we encourage him,  we love each other and our marriage is strong.  How do we rewind???  We can't wipe it all clean, we can't trade him in for a new one, we can't live his life for him.  Have we failed him???  I have no answers...

Survival...that's the mode I'm in...just treading, keeping my head above water.  I'm weary and sore, not sure how I will get across this ocean of tears.  How deep is my pain, deeper than I can bear.

I sent a text to my husband this afternoon while waiting to pick up our youngest from school.  A friend posted it on Facebook and I've held onto it all day..."Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever" Ps 125:1

At this moment, that's all I can cling to...I just keep repeating it, again and again.  It's all I have, my burden is heavy, so I MUST lay it down at my Savior's feet.