Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Error, Error, Error

Writing is not my strong point; beautiful, commanding, inspiring words don't come easy to me.  This post (reader beware) is going to be erratic, possibly confusing, questioning, maybe a little deep...but please, bare with me please.

Today my heart was broken into tiny little fragments.  I'm aching, shivering, sick, full of fear & doubt, questioning everything, searching, asking myself & God, over and over again...where did we go wrong?  Why are we here?  Where do we go now?  I need answers, I want precise direction, I can't move forward without it.

My sweet, handsome, charismatic, intelligent, athletic, caring, loving, inspiring, son decided to travel a very dangerous path.  He decided to choose popularity & vanity over wisdom & integrity.  He chose the sinful delights this world offers up to us on silver platters and within seconds has shattered our very core.  He has lost all cell privileges, his internet privileges, as well as any & all athletic activities.  Without spilling my guts, and spewing my son's collapse all over the blogosphere...I can say that this evening my husband and I have to drive to a young man's home, people that we don't know, and share what we have discovered with these parents.  It involves their son (as well as ours) and I have NO IDEA what the outcome will be...

My dead fingers are pounding out this heart-wrenching story; it is one of many: parents, struggling to deal with children who choose to go their own difficult way.  We (parents) are living in guilt, fear, anger, sadness and desperation.  The desperation is overwhelming.  Right now, in this moment...I feel I could do ANYTHING to save my son!  If only I knew...if only I knew...

In my minds eye, I see his face, his beautiful face, with a continuous blinking error message!  WHAT???  What is the problem???  How can we fix it???  Where do we start???  Who do we call???  We thought we took care and did everything right...we love him, we pray, we follow all the directions we have, we set example, we talk to him, we encourage him,  we love each other and our marriage is strong.  How do we rewind???  We can't wipe it all clean, we can't trade him in for a new one, we can't live his life for him.  Have we failed him???  I have no answers...

Survival...that's the mode I'm in...just treading, keeping my head above water.  I'm weary and sore, not sure how I will get across this ocean of tears.  How deep is my pain, deeper than I can bear.

I sent a text to my husband this afternoon while waiting to pick up our youngest from school.  A friend posted it on Facebook and I've held onto it all day..."Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever" Ps 125:1

At this moment, that's all I can cling to...I just keep repeating it, again and again.  It's all I have, my burden is heavy, so I MUST lay it down at my Savior's feet.

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